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I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does what I want
Only what I tell it.
Lizzie Borden Took an Axe
And Plunged it Deep Into the Vax
Don't You Hate the People Who
Do the Things YOU Want to Do!
Coalition to Ban DiHydrogen Monoxide (source) The Invisible Killer Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
StupidestThingsEverSaid While you are away, movie stars are taking your women, Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife." Bagdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer to Gulf War troops.
Dave Barry Collection From the BSDI fortune cookies file.
Why God Won't Get Tenure Perhaps with all this ranting going on about student participation, this might be a welcome bit of humor... Why God Will Never Get Tenure At Any University
In the Beginning.... In the beginning there was the computer. And God said And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
Top Tips from You the People Hilarious!
I guess by now you've all heard about the recently discovered flaw in Intel's top of the line Pentium chip. Without going into a lot of technical detail, the error will only occur in certain floating point mathematical calculations and really won't affect the average user. What irked many was Intel's careless handling of the matter, it's disregard for public perception. It should be noted that public outcry, much of it from the Internet, was largely responsible for Intel finally capitulating and offering replacement chips to anyone who desired them. A sobering hint of the power of the net. It should also be noted that the error was not a computer error -- rather, it was a human transcription error, some transposed numbers in a hard coded lookup table residing somewhere on the chip. Intel has set up a toll-free number (800/628-6868) for people who wish to replace their Pentium chips, but try contacting your computer vendor first.
Perhaps the best thing to come out of all the controversy were countless Intel jokes that made the usual rounds on the net. I'm taking the liberty of reprinting some of my favorites. Stop me if you've heard this one before...
TOP 10 REASONS TO BUY A PENTIUM 9.9999973251 Your old PC is too accurate. 8.9999163362 Provides really good alibi when the IRS calls. 7.9999414610 Attracted by Intel's new 'You don't need to know what's inside' ad campaign. 6.9999831538 It redefines computing -- and mathematics! 5.9999835137 You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff. 4.9999999021 Current paperweight not big enough. 3.9998245917 Takes concept of floating point to a whole new level 2.9991523619 You always round off to the nearest hundred anyway. 1.9999103517 Got a great deal from Jet Propulsion Laboratory! And the number one reason to buy a Pentium: 0.9999999998 It'll probably work! Q: What's the new name for the 'Intel Inside' sticker? A: The warning label! "You know what goes great with those defective Pentium chips? Defective Pentim salsa!" (David Letterman) Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist. Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (SOURCES: LaughWeb (URL:http://www.misty.com/laughweb/), various net- humor files, and InformationWeek)
Subject: The Bug Came Back From: wmcclatc@osf1.gmu.edu (Bill McClatchie) [ Article crossposted from rec.humor.funny ] [ Author was Joel Polowin ] [ Posted on Thu, 15 Dec 94 12:20:04 EST ] This is dedicated to the nice folks at Intel. Who'd've thought it could be a *hardware* bug..? ---------- The Bug Came Back Words: Joel Polowin Music: "The Cat Came Back" by Harry S. Miller The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long, Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong. But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night - Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right - (Chorus:) But the bug came back, the very next day The bug came back, we thought it was a gonner But the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away. We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratch To find out where the new and older versions didn't match. A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray; We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay - (Chorus) We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APL And ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well. Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue; The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through - (Chorus) We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun - And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run. But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play - Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away... (Chorus) We got a summer student in to check the code by hand, With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command, But suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and queer -- A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..? (Chorus) (Last verse and associated alternate chorus are optional:) We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired: A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wired Such that IF the program failed, the little moggy would be gassed. A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast... But the cat came back the very next day The bug came back, we thought they were a gonner But they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away --------------- Words copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA / K7L 4A9 polowin@silicon.chem.QueensU.CA, polowinj@qucdn.QueensU.CA -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner. MAIL your joke to funny@clarinet.com. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to rhf@clarinet.com instead. -- My spell checker is Pentuim based.