Achtung! Alles Lookenspeepers Das computenmachine is nicht fer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen, und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets----relaxen und watchen das blikenlights.
From: BigPoppa
1) When all else fails, switch to power tools... 2) Nothing says poor quality workmanship than lumpy duct tape. 3) If you can't stay young, at least stay immature. 4) If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. (Quote: Red Green - The Red Green Show)
From: Doug Donahue
Star Trek security officers. If you have never appeared in the programme before and suddenly Captain Kirk asks you to join a landing party, make an excuse. Under no circumstances should you beam down to the planet surface, as you will invariably be killed.
From: The Pages of Viz
If you want a nice smooth finish on a piece of woodwork, place it in a bench vise. Then, use an electric sander to remove the surface until you get to the point where the wood breaks. Take all the wood in the shop and start throwing it and yell real loud. Throw the sander and other tools against the wall and cuss alot. This will let everyone in the area know that you mean business.
From: Robust
Men, if you're ever pulled over by a cop, remember never to let him suspect that you know he's gay. Statements such as: "Man, I bet you sure do enjoy having sex with women!" And "I sure am glad I didn't get pulled ove by one of those homosexuals.... whew!" Might prevent him from catching on and roughing you up too badly.
From: Robust
If you're ever attacked by a dog, don't run. Running is the worst thing you can do. Quickly lay down and roll onto your back. Show the dog your throat to let him know that he is dominant and you are no threat. This way, he kan tear your throat out and kill you quickly so that you experience less pain.
From: Robust
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
From: anonymous
MEN, remember three things as you get older... 1. Write everything down! 2. Never pass a urinal without using it! 3. Never ever waste a hard-on!
From: The Old Duke
Never sleep with Hillary Clinton and Loraina Bobbit at the same time. You'll wake up with an amputated penis and no medical insurance and be forced to make an x-rated movie!
From: Joe Paramedic
Sell your Microsoft stock. Quick.
From: em
Clinton is as Clinton does. Clinton i
From: Dan
Always drink from the side of the glass nearest your lips!
From: Who Noze!
You're as young as the women you feel.
From: Marc Martin
Never play poker with a person named "Ace"!
From: Who Noze.
Married guys, try this. When shopping for clothing for your wife for Christmas or her Birthday or whatever, go into a womens' clothing store and find a very cute woman shopper. Tell her you're looking for something for your wife and that she (the woman shopper) is very cute and is dressed really cool and might she pick something out for your wife. They always oblige happily! Your wife will be impressed with your taste, and who knows? You might even get an extramariatal affair started with a cute woman shopper!
From: Robust
Sign on I-95---Don't loose your head to gain a minute, you need your head your brains are in it.---Rapid Shave
From: Joe Paramedic
Chance favors the prepared mind!
From: Louis Pasteur
Oh, and a Rollerskate makes and ideal skateboard for your pet Tarantula.
From: John G.
Tie a rollerskate to either end of a drainpipe. This makes an ideal skateboard for your pet snake.
From: John G.
Never drive faster than your angel can fly!
From: Joe Paramedic
I'd rather be hanging over a nurse than nursing a hangover.
From: Drooling Fanboy
You can tune a piano, but chances are you can't tune a really complicated piano.
From: Drooling Fanboy
Crime pays when you're having fun.
From: Philippine Kyle
If it jams,force it . If it breaks it needed replacing anyway.
From: Richard Laslo
Don't put cling film over your toilet seat for a joke if you know the person who'll be using it is very drunk.
From: Floor Wiper
If you are really in a bad mood and see someone you don't like on the streets, don't just ignore him...its rude....at least say "Get Lost!"...at least you are acknowledging his existence...try that...heehee
From: Arden (Ng Chin Wah)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys
From: P.J. O'Rourke
If it jams,force it . If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
From: Richard Laslo
Spare the rod and spoil the salad.
From: Philippine Kyle
Do not count your chickens before they cross the road.
From: Philippine Kyle
Just answer yes if you didn't hear the question!
From: HJ
"Always Coca Cola."
From: HJ
Never Pet A Burning Cat!
From: Scooter
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.
From: Nokomis
You live and learn. Or you don't live long. -Lazarus Long
From: Nokomis
You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once. -Lazarus Long
From: Nokomis
A real friend is not someone you use once and throw away. A real friend is someone you can use again and again. -Attack of the Giant Fifty Foot Calligraphic Button Catalog
From: Nokomis
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark- Lazarus Long
From: Nokomis
If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
From: Nokomis
MarketWise Power Tip: In order to speed up processing of a spreadsheet function, repeatedly hit the return key. Your CPU will sense your urgency, and process your data more quickly. Also works to unlock your keyboard when it freezes.
From: OnThRoad@Cais.Cais.Com
Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
From: JK
Never masturbate with a cheese grater!
From: Rob
Save Money: Spray on socks with washable paint!
From: OnThRoad
Never eat ice cream after having Maine lobster for dinner as you will be very ill
From: Fergie
As a nice civic gesture, have a bunch of bumper stickers made up that say: "PROTECTED BY.... THE CLUB" and go around sticking them on people's cars. Even if they don't use that anti-theft device, this will still protect their car to some extent. They might be very gratefull, who knows? Hey, you're just trying to help.
From: Robust
Having abandoned my search for the truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
From: Ken
Thirty days hath Septober April, June and no wonder All the rest have peanut butter Except my grandmother Who has a little red tricycle
From: Brainy Smurf
Friends come and go, enemies tend to accumilate.
From: pete-
If you dont know... Shut the hell up.
From: Emmo
Think how stupid the average person is -- then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that! (George Carlin)
From: Interplanet Janet (a galaxy girl)
If you want to try something really interesting, do this: Call up CNN and ask: "Hey, what the heck is really going on over there in Bosnia Herzagovenia?" I did this. It blows them away because its really to tough for them to figure out either.
From: Robust
If you wait until the last minute to something, it only takes a minute to do!
From: Laura S
"Always, no wait, never, no, always carry a litter bag in your car. It doesn't take up much room, and you can always toss it out your window if it gets full." - Steve Martin
From: Michael Lanski
Cheap sex is great until you get the doctor bill, then it's not so cheap any more.
From: charlotte quinn
"Never trust a relative." - Corwin of Amber
From: SimAmber
"Never trust a relative." - Corwin of Amber
From: SimAmber
If you would like a unique pet, try a cat. Just paint the cat with Rustoleum in a unique color scheme or pattern. The cat will get used to it once it figures out that it can't lick it off.
From: Robust
Careful about who you offend on the way up. You may meet them again on your way down.
From: Walt the Wizard
If you forget how many days are in a given month: "Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have thirty-one. Except for February. And let's be honest, who really gives a crap about February?"
From: Robust
dont play with bee's they are not our friends.
From: Laura pitt@icons.net
dont play with bee's they are not our friends.
From: Laura
Denali (Mt. McKinley)
From: Arturo
Poke holes in animals before microwaving.
From: Doc Proc
If you don't want to win, no one will stop you.
From: No Fear T-Shirt
Stoplights change for the gods.
From: Steve Nelson's Curio Strip
Every tub shall sit on it's own bottom!
From: Tubby
If you love Chinese food and you're trying to diet, try this tip: Eat all you want but only use one chopstick.
From: Anon
Despite the increasing cost of living it is still very popular
From: Klassen
Peolple named BOB often spell their name backwards by mistake.
From: AJ
Man Plans, God Laughs..
From: Smoothbore
TANSTAAFL! (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch!
From: Lazurus Long
Never eat prunes when you are famished (Murphy's Law).
From: SSHurl
If you try to please everyone, no one will like it. (Murphy's Law)
From: SSHurl
Don't burn your bridges behind you, C-4 'em! Eat sh*t, 487 trillion flies can't be wrong! When in doubt, throw it out.... I'd call you a c*cksucker, but I know you're trying to quit!
From: Bruzer
Never bring a knife to a gunfight!
From: Daniel
Chivalry is NOT dead. Itís just very lazy.
From: Onycomosis
Never, ever fall for a gal named after a flower, a gemstone or a month of the year.
From: Tlaw
Keep an open mind... but not so open that your brains fall out. - Anonymous
From: Sandy
You can see allot from observing.
From: Yogi Bera
SMILE, an' the world smiles with you... Fart, and you stand alone some T-shirt
From: concerned citizen
The history of discovery is the history of people who didn't follow rules. - Cary Grant as the absent minded scientist in "Monkey Business"
From: Ouozo
People in glass houses shouldn't do much of anything.
From: Ben Hedrick
If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them.
From: Ben Hedrick
If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them.
From: Ben Hedrick
Always keep a plastic bag in your car to put garbage in. Then when it gets full you can just throw it out the window!
From: JP
Don't play leap frog with a UniCorn
From: Bill Hamel
I cried because I had no Power Macintosh... Until I met a man who had to use Windows.
From: Jim
Trust everyone, but cut the cards.
From: Ace Tipper
Rule 1: Don't sweat the small stuff. Rule 2: Everything's small stuff!
From: Jim
When in doubt, always grab the fullest glass.
From: Busch League
You can't fight City Hall, but you can spit on the stairs.
From: Marion Barry
Top Japanese dish of the day: SoSueMe
From: Kiloalpha@pb.net
Accounting quizzes are made to take hungover!
From: WIZ
The Heart Has Its Reasons Which Reason Does Not Know - B. Pascal
From: WIZ
she who laughs lasts .
From: lady godiva (lady P)
she who laughs lasts .
From: lady godiva (lady P)
There is a way to go through life other than kicking and screaming.
From: Dan Rogers
There is a way to go through life other than kicking and screaming.
From: Dan Rogers
People who live in glass houses shouldn't.
From: gpinzone@i-2000.com
Do not eat yellow snow!
From: Joe Pontak
Always urinate perpendicular to a strong wind
From: M. Mills
The grass is always greener in somebody else's yard. Upon closer inspection, you'll find that they have just as many weeds as you do.
From: Barbara
The grass is always greener in somebody else's yard. Upon closer inspection, they have just as many weeds as you do.
From: Barbara
Win if you can, Lose if you must, But always make them BLEED!
From: Axl Rotten
If it smells, change it.
From: NewDad
Never sing "Mandy" in public, unless you have a really big dump truck.
From: chezedog@hooked.net
Cats don't like small boxes.
From: achilds@ix.netcom.com
Help reduce population growth; kill yourself today!
From: Bob
Don't you eat that yellow snow!
From: Frank Zappa (Not dead, just smells funny)
Don't you eat that yellow snow!
From: Frank Zappa (Not dead, just smells funny)
One of the hardest things in life to learn, is which bridge to cross, and which bridge to burn.
From: cmay@igs.net
Don't eat that yellow snow!
From: Frank Zappa (Not dead, just smells funny.)
When you are in a flood, don't worry about your pet fish...
From: Sethar
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon
From: MusicGuy
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon
From: MusicGuy
If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours, if not hunt it down and kill it.
From: The Poet
It's not the size of your modem that counts [but] how well you use it!
From: madonna@vogue.com
do what older people tell you to at high-school
From: a freshmen
In regards to the "More is Better" category: "Two of sh*t is still sh*t!"
From: Someone who knows...
Just kick back, get fucked up, and watch it all go down.
From: The prophet
A bird in the hand is dinner!
From: bbrium
No one can buy something from you if they don't know you make it!
From: SalesmaCKQUOTE>
The one's who love us best are the one's we lay to rest visit their graves on holidays at best; The one's who love us least are the one's we die to please if it's any consolation I don't pretend to understand them. - The Replacements
From: sayler
When playing any video game just follow this simple rule: Don't let the thing you move contact anything else that moves or anything pointy
From: ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Semper ubi sub ubi
From: Wheelock's Latin Flunkies
If someone starts to kick your ass, just keep yelling "THANKYOU!" and run away in the confusion.
From: ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Poor planning on your part does not constitute a crisis on mine!
From: http://www.phoenix.net/~synwork
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
From: Bob Packwood
Don't put more foot in your mouth than you can swallow.
From: Bill Clinton
look before you leap.
From: Myron
email me often to avoid repproachment! and have a nice day. and don't eat meat that has more than one color
From: bsweit@uclink4.berkeley.edu
If you are ever cought in a burning house, save the dog before the fish because it'll thank you faster!
From: Benton Wink
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and irritates the pig.
From: HJMartin
Life is like a teenagers face, you never know what will pop up next
From: The Handy Man
Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends on what you put into it. (Tom Lehrer)
From: DaPascha
Never pet a burning dog
From: The Handy Man
Everybody who believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.
From: DaPascha
Everybody who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand.
From: DaPascha
If you marry a turtle you'll live in a shell.
From: Turtoise Shellman
A wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn!
From: Brad McClain
A wise man never plays leap frog with a unicorn!
From: Brad McClain
Keep in mind that the only diference between a brown-noser and a shithead is a matter of depth perception.
From: Your Pal
If your new puppy likes to chew on your furniture kick its teeth out. -- overheard in the ladies room at the annual humane socity convention
From: Charlie Magnus
If your new puppy likes to chew on your furniture kick its teeth out. -- overheard in the ladies room at the annual humane socity convention
From: Charlie Magnus
It was either "The Sky's the Limit" or "Disguise the Limit" ...perhaps we need to disguise to reach the skys.
From: Chuck Snack (cmilono@netcom.com)
Indecision may or may not be my problem. - Jimmy Buffet
From: mike
May The Spirits of Uncle Ben & Suzi Wan infest the rice fields of your soul forver
From: The Grand Rice Man
Hope for the best; prepare for the worst; take what comes.
From: someone who didn't
All college basketball scouts look for senior point guard Christian Peterson of Stavanger, Norway
From: The athletic eye
Don't put off for tomorrow, things that can be put off till next week
From: Procras Tinator
Life's too short to drink cheap beer; but there is pleny of time to drink free beer.
From: Petey
There's no safe way to operate a weed whacker in the nude.
From: Bob Bit
Honk if you hate noise pollution!!
From: me :)
The future ain't what it used to be. Yogi Berra
From: a new fan
Epoxy on both your houses!
From: Not Bill Shakespeare
People in glass houses should move.
From: Al
Never fry bacon in the nude.
From: Al
Always talk with your mouth full at large family dinners. When walking around late at night, always carry a syringe full of Jell-O, in case you need to defend yourself against anyone who happens to annoy you.
From: The Venerable Nicole
Always drink upstream from the herd.
From: Roy Rogers
Copy work from DEEP THOUGHTS by Jack Handy and submit it to TOP TIPS. Then don't attribute it. If you steal other people's work and put in on the Internet it is not plagiarism.
From: Peep Master's Father
When your child is first learning words, switch the names of two common objects, like teach them that pencils are called hamburgers, and wait for the note from the kindergarten teacher.
From: A Parent
Teach your children well
From: A Child
Familiarity breeds.
From: :)
Never trust a man with two eye-patches.
From: Sir Dude
He who laughs last,...is just getting the joke.
From: Who?
"There are types of people in the world, those that think there are two types of people, and those who are right." -K.V., Jr.
From: Skip Toomilu
Don't Do anything for yourself that some one else can do for you.
From: That Guy.
"Love is in the Eye of the Beerholder"
From: William Shakesbeer
Crackers don't bounce.
From: Super Secretary
If your interested in using Windows 95 buy an Apple they have been using it since 1984.
From: Ian Berkowitz
look both ways before you cross the road
From: Ian Berkowitz
dont buy win 95 if you have a 386! ........
From: bill gates
One should never wear his best trousers when he goes out fighting for truth and freedom.
From: Henrik Ibsen
Marry a rich girl.
From: Poor man
When noone else in the room is looking, make really scary faces at babies.
From: Uncle Brian
Never buy a Packard Bell.
From: THE ANTIGATES
Surface prep is 9/10th. of a great paint job!
From: Crawford
If you can't take advantage of the less fortunate, then who can you take advantage of? (variation) If you can't make fun of the less fortunate...
From: one of the fortunate
what ever you do with your life don't marry!!!
From: bundy
You feel good not because the world is right,but your world is right because you feel good
From: ivette
don't eat meat, don't laugh with evil men. just close your eyes and sleep.
From: alphonse de binvilliers
"All's well that ends..." Bill Shakespeare
From: http://www.cnj.digex.net/~pfau
So what do you do with all those free disks AOL sends you? Use them as coasters for your drink when your using you PC...keeps those ugly water stains off your computer desk.
From: Bill Gates
It's always a good idea to keep a hip flask of Wild Turkey handy, as a stimulant, in case you see a snake (which you should also keep handy).
From: Bill Dukenfield
Never give a fool a forum.
From: Totem
I always find it helpful to unzip the front of my trousers before urinating.
From: rifleman
To use Prodigy you should a 2400 bps modem.
From: Wizard
Re: "Bad spellers of the year" should have been: Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
From: BigArt
Your only as smart as other people think you are
From: tony disalvatore
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then it's a sport....
From: Dave
If one thinks about the grand scheme of things, one realizes that the universe has a of humor. -Barbara Hambly-
From: Eric Johnsonn
Never stick your dick in a fan
From: Yorgi
SIX STAGES OF A PROJECT..... 1. ENTHUSIASM 2. DISILLUSIONMENT 3. PANIC AND HYSTERIA 4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY 5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT 6. PRAISE AND HONOURS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS
From: ECWW18A@PRODIGY.COM
IF IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE IT USUALLY IS.
From: ECWW18A@PRODIGY.COM
guys...never piss on an electrified fence!
From: Cindy Crawford
If you're annoyed at something a friend does, don't confront them with it. Simply write a letter to their pet dog or cat explaining why you're ticked off If they complain tell them to stop read- ing other entities' mail.
From: Dr. Longleaf Pine
Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!!!
From: chl from BN at NRC
For the computer literate: Never lose another floppy disk!!!!! I keep mine in a slit i found in the front of my computer.
From: dawks
LAUGH if you want to LOVE, LOVE if you want to LAUGH.
From: Pablo E. Llinas
(this is a viz ripoff): If you decide to have your car resprayed, cover it with clingfilm first. That way, if you don't like the colour, you can just peel it off.
From: dawks
Never wear your socks in the rain.
From: Eric
Tell your mum that the internet access you are using is free.
From: Macca
When Jehovah's witnesses come to your door, start reciting Darwin's theories.
From: Nevmeister
Always wear clean underwear.
From: Your Mother
Never be able to say " I personally knocked myself out three times"
From: supercoolme
Never... Wait, no! ...Always... Wait. Hmmmm??? Always mind? ...Wait, no. ??? Never mind.
From: Fresh-e
Don't buy stock in America.
From: Inside Trader
Never ever ever eat your toast butter-side down.
From: Some Guy
When salesmen call you at home just reply "Thank goodness,Thought you were the bill collector"
From: Hzl B
Own two phone lines. Only give out the 1st line to people you want to call. Use the 2nd one for data. Give out the 2nd number on anything where it might be sold. When salespeople call (if you are not on the modem) have a machine that invites the annoying bastards to piss off. I have done this and it works. Even if it doesn't, it makes me feel better. That line literally would ring up to 10 times a day just from salesmen. The calls have gotten fewer and fewer....
From: tarquin fintimlimbimlimbim limbim limbim busstop ftangftang olay biscuitbarrel
Be very careful not to step on any toes on your way up. They may be connected to the ass you'll have to kiss on the way down
From: patw@winternet.com
Never kiss your mom on the first date. Or rather, if you do, keep your tongue in your mouth.
From: Your Dad
There are many unknown things in the future.
From: Zargon Zooie
Don't look into the sun.
From: Tex
Dont spit into the wind
From: antifratboy
Never play leap-frog with a unicorn. Never get your shirt tail caught between you and the toilet paper. Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow. Never kick a man unless he's down. Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. Never order 'Baked Alaska' from a waiter who moonlights at a gas station. Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. Neve stop at a motel where the VACANCY sigh is painted on the wall. Never go to a surgeon who doesn't tie his shoe laces. Never buy a bottle of wine from a guy with purple feet. Never buy a toupee with instructions that read 'insert thumbtack here'. Never buy a pair of shoes from a salesman who shuffles. Never force it; just use a bigger hammer. Never eat yellow snow. Never patronize a health food store where all the clerks have beri beri. Never buy a used car from a salesman with a steering wheel wrapped around his neck. Never eat at a restaurant that has a stack of barf bags by the cashier's counter.
From: dmbell@iglou.com
You can pretend to be an angel by removing the wings from a large bird of prey, and taping them to your back
From: The Archangel Gabriel
You can make your boss think you arent working by creating and Excel spreadsheet that looks like a Netscape browser
From: The Archangel Gabriel
For straining OJ, jam, etc., I use old socks. If you like your jam chunky, use some with holes in 'em.
From: Academie de Chic
If you have a portable phone, superglue it to your ear. That way you will have hands free operation of your phone at all times.
From: Fufus (That's FOOOFUS to you)
If you're really ugly, wear scruffy clothes. That way when people first see you they think: "What a scruffy git", instead of: "What an ugly git". However the more astute people may think: "What an ugly, scruffy git" so the system falls down.
From: Martin
BY previously filling the cooling system of your car with coffee powder - one can stop driving at any time to partly drain the radiator for hot coffee. Beware of anti freeze though!
From: http://sable.ox.ac.uk/~sgp/HPLG_top_tips.html
When you get the urge to kill someone, knock on their door and run when they answer. But before leaving place a jack-o-lantern with a knife in it's head and a note saying "you're next." That way nobody will be hurt.
From: Paul Z from SSU
You can make the neighbours think you own an aeroplane, by building a high wall around your garden, and then erecting the salvaged tail-section of a Boeing 747.
From: The Archangel Gabriel
If you come upon someone lying on the ground, and you want to know if they are dead, simply put your finger in their nostril. If they rise and say "Get your damned finger out my nose", you can be assured that they are indeed alive.
From: Rick
When you install a new kitchen in your flat, don't throw the old one away. Instead, carefully disassemble it and put it in your loft. That way, if you ever decide you don't like your new kitchen, you can always get the old one back out. (this of course works for carpets also!)
From: kitchenmaster@emtex.com
Carry a few mice around in your pockets when you go out. Then the next time an elephant picks you up, show him the mice. He will probably set you down right away and you will be free to walk away.
From: Mr Neal Dossett
Put the cap of a red Bic pen on your black Bic pen. That way no one will steal or use it as they will assume it is a red pen.
From: Mrs Louise Mann
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
From: Mary Ann
The next time the weatherman says it might freeze over night, put newspapers over your car windscreen. Then when you get up in the morning you get to scrape the newspaper and the ice off of your windscreen.
From: Mr. Liam Quiggley
Leave your phone off the hook for long periods when you know your friends are trying to reach you, that way they'll think that you have an internet dial-up account.
From: Suzanne
If someone is a noisy eater start a conversation about maggots or worms this usually shuts them up for a while.
From: Gary Owen
Save 10 per month! You can get a constantly engaged tone by ringing your own number instead of Demon's, and it's much cheaper.
From: David Stevenson
Tourists to Scotland should wear tartan trousers, checked jackets and Tam O' Shanter hats so that they blend in with the locals.
From: john@linnet.co.uk
Put sand instead of sugar in your tea. It has less calories, and can be used many times.
From: Matthew
Save money on an expensive car alarm, by simply cellotaping a guinea pig to your windscreen. If the car is stolen, the rodent will squeal.
From: Tony Blews
If you live in a flight path, fool airline passengers into thinking you have a swimming pool by painting a big blue square in your back garden
From: Gabriel Hopkins
Here are my tips of the day:
At 4:30, phone the speaking clock in Holland, and transfer the call to your boss. He will think it is 5:30, and send you home early!
Save money on premium rate adult phone entertainment lines by buying a parrot which formely resided at a brothel.
Save money on video cassettes - every time your children set the video timer, change the channel so that they record the third round of Wimbledon instead of The Might Morphine Power Rangers.
When someone takes out a mobile phone on the train, don't get annoyed, simply shout "Ugh! Python!" and throw it out the window.
Relive the great age of victoran values by impregnating your housemaid and then firing her (without references), sending your son up a chimney, teaching your daughter to solicitate, then kick up a fuss because the local library files books by male and female authours on the same shelves.
From: Stuart McIntyre
eh uh uh huh huh, is this thing working Beavis? eh heh.
From: Butthead
Butt Munch
From: Beavis
Here's a helpful hint in the burner switches on your stove aren't clearly labeled: pour a little grease on each burner before cooking. The one which catches fire is the one that's on!
From: Will Briggs
Make sure to interrupt the person you're having an argument with frequently. They will be very happy and buy you a nice dinner at your favorite restaurant.
From: Sage
Remember to vote early and ofter to help this very *sweet* babe out :)
From: VOTE
Women can save money on makeup with common office supplies! Correction fluid comes with a brush so nt your nails, and can be glossy ("Just for Copies"), buff, or in different colors for different kinds of paper. Mucilage can make a shiny lip gloss if you're really careful not to close your mouth while it's drying. Highlighter pens come in a variety of colors for eye shadow that stands out in a crowd and lasts for weeks!
From: Will Briggs
Using a permanent pen, mark an "X" on the bottom of your favourite coffee mug. Next time you have a drink, you'll be able to see when you reach the bottom and need a refill (the X will magically appear).
From: philip@qdeck.co.uk
Never pet a burning dog...
From: Me.
If you are a Teacher and the children in your class ask why a Fire Truck is RED, give the following answer :- A Fire Truck has 4 wheels and 8 men, 4 and 8 adds up to 12, 12 inches is a ruler, the ruler is the Queen, the Queen rules over the 7 sea's, the 7 sea's have fish in them, the fish have fins on them, the Fins are always fighting the Russians, the Russians are RED, the Fire Trucks are always rushing aroud, ... that's why the Fire Truck is red.
From: Robin Eliovson
People who live in glass houses...should get dressed with the lights off.
From: The Crazy Russian
People who live in grass houses...shouldn't use their fireplaces.
From: The Crazy Russian
People who live in stone houses... should hire a really good decorator.
From: The Crazy Russian
People who live in paper houses...uh...um...well, damn. What advice can you give 'em?
From: The Crazy Russian
If starting an Internet Provider, you HAVE to name it "Cyber-" something. Your slogan should be "Your on-ramp to the Information Superhighway."
From: Steve Case
never put more food in your mouth then you can swallow
From: jason
Pretend you've never read Viz by submitting a Top Tip that's not funny. Better still! Pretend to be innovative and set up your own Top Tips page on the Net. That way Americans will (once again) have to settle with second best.
From: Grumpy Bastard
Never run into a barbed wire fence naked.
From: Nici (Kristine Theobald)
When it rains, and your child asks "Daddy, why is it raining?", you reply, "Those are God's tears." And when your child then asks "Daddy, why is God crying?", you reply, "Because you did something wicked."
From: anonymous
If you want to stop people from staring at you, just start picking your nose. Remember, if you are a true paranoid that extended nasal mining will quickly cause soreness, so be sure to switch nostrils often!
From: Chris Kayes
True tip, If you have slugs in your garden eating up your veggies place a six pack of your favorite beer in shallow dishes. The slugs will literally party til they puke. Careful not to step on the o.d.ed slugs the next day.
From: 76744.2451@compuserve.com
Never put baked beans in the microwave without opening the can.
From: dhnolt@ucdavis.edu
Young men remember: The wife lasts as long as the marriage. The ex-wife lasts forever!
From: Anonymous ?